Making decisions... and sticking to them

It has been a long time since I have posted.  Life has a way of spiraling out of control.  Thankfully, God always has a way putting things back into perspective.  

Recently I attended a funeral of a woman I never met.  (Side note:  this is not an unusual occurrence for me.  I often end up at funerals of people I have never known.  My husband is a minister, and it comes with the territory.) She was 105 years old when she passed away.  And from what I could tell she was a woman who required excellence from all the people she encountered.  But what struck me most, as I listened to people reminisce and offer condolences was that everyone said the same thing about her.  She made up her mind at 7 years old to become a member of the church, and she persisted in that determination for her entire life.  

I personally cannot remember making a single decision at 7 years old, much less sticking with it for 23 years.  At 7 years old, I wanted to be a lawyer, like Claire Huxtable.  But I must have switched my dream job a million times.  For a while I wanted to be an engineer, thanks to my mom and summer science camp.  I also wanted to be an Egyptologist, due to a life-changing encounter with the Curator of the Egypt wing on the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  I've wanted to be a teacher, a professional student, and a singer (and let me tell you... I cannot sing).  

As an adult and an attorney, it is my job to make decisions.  Last week, the law required me to make a decision that I knew would not be well received.  And no sooner had I issued it, than I received emails questioning the decision, suggesting alternative outcomes, and wondering if the decision could be undone.  Needless to say, I immediately got angry.  Its one thing to question me about something that I don't know, but don't question me on something that I've worked hard to learn and understand. 

That's when I learned something about myself.  I commit in the face of adversity.  Once challenged, I am like a dog with a bone (or my cat with a plastic bag).  I don't let go.  I dig my heels in.  I refuse to allow my decision to be challenged or undermined.  Some call it stubborn.  I call it steadfast.  

When my daughter was first born, I knew nothing about caring for a baby.  I was nervous, scared, and second-guessed everything I did for the first weeks of her life.  It wasn't until I began to get unsolicited advice (and if you've read my blog before you KNOW I how I feel about that!) that I began to be confident in my own decision-making.  This is exactly what I experienced at work.  Now that I've been questioned, I feel confident.  

But there has got to be a better way.  Ideally, I should be confident in my decision-making and committed to my decisions in spite of what other people think or say.  I should have trusted that I am a good lawyer, because I work hard, study hard, and think critically. 

Some people are born with the ability to be confident and committed.  For me, its a journey that I am embarking on.  I need to trust in the knowledge that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  There's no one like me, and for that reason alone I should hold my head high, square my shoulders, and walk tall (taller than 5'3).  I know it sounds cliche, but sometimes we need to give ourselves a pep talk.  I don't know it all, and I could never learn it all.  There will be times when I'm wrong, when my decisions are overturned, and when my work doesn't get the respect I think it deserves.  But that doesn't change who I am or the worth of my work. I commit today to trust in my God-given abilities.  That's my decision and I'm sticking to it.

Is My Blog Obsolete?

I haven't posted in a long while.  As you may have guessed, I finally got a job!  I have spent the last month trying to learn all I can about a new area of law, and trying to learn all my new co-workers' names.  I'm doing better with learning the new area of law.  What can I say?  Remembering names has always been a weakness of mine.  

I started this blog to apply life lessons as I went through the job hunting process, but now that I have a job I'm realizing that the task of being ethical is greater than ever.  Now that I have a job that is more demanding, the task of balancing all my hats has become demanding as well.  What I have learned so far is that, while I would like to juggle all my responsibilities, the truth is that there will emerge a standing order of priorities.  For me, my job as a mother trumps all else.  When my child is sick, the earth stops rotating on its axis and everything else is forced to take a back seat.  I'm learning that this is a luxury, because my legal duty to my client requires that I get things done in a timely manner.  

In the end, all I can do is fall down on my knees and ask for guidance.  I prayed long and hard for a job, and now that I have one, I'm realizing that I have to continue to pray long and hard:  for the patience required to do my job well, for the energy required to be all that I can be at work and then be all that I can be at home, for the love and understanding of my family as I go through this new transition.

This new job is like a brand new pair of shoes that haven't quite been broken in yet.  They look great, but they hurt to walk in.  I'm a little bit in pain right now, dealing with the mental olympics of practicing law at long last.  I love how it looks on me, but the transition isn't going as smoothly as I planned.  Such is life, however.  We plan and God plans.

So back to the original question:  Is my blog obsolete?  My answer for now is no.  There are still a whole host of challenges facing this new lawyer/mom/wife/religious education instructor/whatever else is on my plate.  So expect more posts coming your way.  

Dealing With Rejection

Last week I was riding high.  2 interviews in one week.  One of them was a second round interview.  And I just knew in my heart that this job was for me.  I thought I did an excellent job in the interview, showed them my spectacular personality, explained how perfect I was for the job.  And then today, I get a phone call from the Director of Human Resources saying that they no longer have funding for the position. 

I'm trying to not be cynical.  But something inside of me is telling me that they wanted to find some way to soften the blow.  Like they didn't just want to say that they went with the other candidate.  Its nicer to say that they have just decided not to hire anyone at all.  Well, I guess that could be true.  But I have to admit that after an entire year of job-searching, the rejection is starting to take its toll.

Today I sat down and wondered if it was all worth it.  The years of law school.  Those late nights studying and writing paper after paper.  The student loans that are begging to be paid.  That test of sheer will that is called the bar exam.  I overcame all of that... for what?  To be working as someone's assistant? 

Wallowing in sadness and disappointment is always a way to deal with rejection.  But if I stay in that place for too long it becomes counter-productive.  So what I've decided to do is count my blessings.  In spite of my unemployment and underemployment, I haven't had to want for anything.  My husband has been able to be the sole provider for myself and my daughter.  I have a temporary job that is providing some income for my family.  I have a rewarding job in church that I am able to put a lot of time and effort into.  I have a family that loves and supports me through all of this. 

Someone once said trouble ain't gonna last always.  All I can do is keep reminding myself that this time of troubling unemployment will come to an end. 

Relax and Take Control

I never answer the phone when the caller ID shows a number I don't recognize.  Partly because I don't want to be surprised by some collection agency from some bill that I forgot to pay 6 years ago and sent into a panic.  But mostly because I like to know what the phonecall is about so I can have time to get my mind right and be in the right space to deal with the caller. 

Yesterday a call came through from a job that I  interviewed for.  I recognized the number immediately, but I still didn't answer the phone.  As it rang, I thought they are either calling me for a second-round interview or to tell me that they have decided to go with another candidate.  Either way, I could already feel my level of anxiety rising.  At that moment, I decided to just relax and take control.  I took control of my emotions, steeled my nerves, and braced myself for the voicemail.  It was a good news!  A second-round interview. 

I freely admit that mind can run a hundred worse case scenarios in 30 seconds.  Its a talent (or a curse) of mine.  However, its not very productive to become all anxious and worried at the thought of a potentially bad situation.  I'm chosing therefore to be hopeful from this point on.  I'm going to try to take control of my worst-case scenario mentality.   I could be walking into that interview thinking and praying for the best and still not get the job (that's a worst-case scenario, isn't it?).   But I will remember that it is not me that is being rejected.  The job wasn't for me and God just chose to move me out of the running.  If I got the job and the job wasn't for me, would I have the strength to walk away?  Probably not.

So from this point on, I will try to focus on the best-case scenario.  Best-case scenario is that I will walk into that interview and knock their socks off!   

Strength to Handle Controversy

As I approach the completion of my 3rd decade on this planet (yeah... I'm that YOUNG), I'm starting to realize that not everyone is going to like me.  I know... its a shocker!  Actually, the shocking part is that it took me nearly 30 years to accept that fact.  I always thought that if you were kind and agreeable, that everyone would just reciprocate with kindness and agreeableness.  But the truth is, that no matter how nice, no matter how kind, no matter how agreeable you are, controversy will come your way. 

The great thing about being a child of God is learning new things about myself everyday.  God has given me the strength to handle situations that I never imagined would come into my life.  Being a child of God doesn't mean that I have to be a doormat.  In fact it gives me the courage and the conviction to stand strong in my beliefs, to speak boldly about what I believe to be true.

As a relatively new mom, I often would be offended by all the unsolicited advice that came my way.  All I would do is walk into a room full of older women, and I would get opinions on everything from what to feed my daughter to how to dress her.  All these comments I would accept with a smile, but inside I would be screaming HOW DARE YOU TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY BABY.  Of course I never said anything because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings or offend someone.  The problem with the silent-smile approach is that it doesn't address the behavior.  As long as I smiled and said nothing, I kept getting unsolicited advice.  It wasn't until I started responding with "thanks, but I know what I'm doing" that the unsolicited comments began to subside.

Of course its important to have some kind of balance.  Responding to unwanted advice, comments, or behavior with a nasty attitude does nothing to help the situation.  I recently realized that God has given me the ability to apply my lawyering talents to myself, to advocate on my own behalf.  While I can clearly and effectively advocate for someone else, it has taken some time to learn how to do so for myself and remain true to what I believe.  But now... I finally feel like I got it:
1.  Being a child of God means loving your fellowman.
2.  Your fellowman doesn't necessarily have your best interest at heart, and that doesn't mean you love them any less.
3.  Loving your fellowman doesn't mean agreeing with your fellowman or allowing your fellowman to walk all over you.
4.  God has already given you everything you need to deal with whatever situation HE may throw your way.
5.  God has not given you a spirit of fear, so speak up and speak out.

Dear Haiti

The news of the earthquake in Haiti is devastating.  There's nothing like a natural disaster to highlight how self-centered we all can be.  As I was planning out my interview outfit and my hairstyle, I heard the news.  Since last night I have been reading the tweets from people unable to contact their loved ones in Haiti.  This morning I saw the blank look on the face of a co-worker who was finally able to reach her elderly father, but still had so many other friends that she knew nothing about.

The world is such a strange place.  We use email and twitter and cell phones to keep us connected.  And when we don't have those things we realize just how far apart we really are.  Haiti seems an eternity away.  But through our faith and belief in God we are all connected.  Besides donating what I can to the relief effort, I'm pledging prayer to Haiti.

Dear Haiti,  we are praying for you.  We pray that you find peace.  We pray that you are delivered from this disaster.  We pray that people are inspired to give what they can to assist you.  We pray that you are not forgotten.  We pray that The Only Wise God, our Savior, will give you everything you stand in need of.  We love you.

**My friend Sarah at www.sarenzobeads.com is selling Haiti Relief Key chains.  100% of the proceeds are going to the relief effort.  View her online store at http://bit.ly/5HpHX5. **

We fall down, but we get up...

Well... I was going strong on my 40 day journey until Sunday rolled around.  Somehow I just didn't get up to read, reflect, and exercise on Sunday morning.  If I had continued on my plan, today would be Day 7.  Instead, I'm calling today Day 2.  That is my way of holding myself accountable, of having integrity, of being ethical.  I'm starting all over again. 


People often say failure isn't an option.  But that's crazy.  Sometimes we fail.  Sometimes we lose.  Sometimes things just don't work out the way that we planned.  Sometimes we graduate from law school, take and pass the bar, and are still unemployed.  What makes us strong, what gives us character, is how we react in the face of failure.  Do we lay down and accept defeat?  Do we learn from our defeat and use it to move forward?

I'm preparing to do a report on the book of Deutoronomy in church this week.  Deutoronomy is written in the form of 3 sermons delivered by Moses to the Children of Isreal before they cross into the Promised Land.  What strikes me about the book is how many times Moses tells the Children of Isreal that they WILL turn their backs on God.  Its incredible.  Here are these Isrealites, finally reaching this perfect land that God has promised to their ancestors after wandering for 40 years in the wilderness.  They are probably in a celebratory mood.  They are probably thanking God and singing His praises.  And here comes Moses, like Debbie Downer, telling them that its inevitable that they will forget all the wonderful things God has done for them and all the incredbile things that God has brought them through.

But honestly, that's life.  I admit that I was riding high last week.  Getting up every morning, praying, working out, being productive and organized about moving my career forward.  I was enjoying the benefits... the increased energy, the great mood I was in.  I thought I had it all under control.  I wasn't prepared for failure.  I didn't think that I could fail.  But I was setting myself up for failure.  I was forgetting that getting up early in the morning wasn't just about working out and being productive.  It was about starting off my day being focused on God.  Everything else (working out, job hunting, networking, being pleasant) flowed from there.   

Moses tells the Children of Isreal that its inevitable that they will fail and lose the Promised Land that they waited so long to inherit.  But that if they will return to God with their whole heart, He will return them to their inheritance.  Similarly, I'm returning to my 40 day journey with my whole heart, focusing on God.  I will accept the benefits as they come, but I will not allow myself to be distracted by them. 

My father used to always say we plan and God PLANS.  Its ok for me to have a plan for my life.  Everyone needs goals and ambitions.  I want to lose 20 pounds (I need to lose at least 40, but that's a story for another day).   But I will work harder to not let my plans and my goals distract me from God's plan for me.  I will focus on Him with my whole heart, and whatever flows from there will be marvelous in my eyes.

Starting my day off the right way...

I am an emotional eater.  There!  I've said it!  The worst part about being an emotional eater is that you look up one day and wonder how it is that you shrunk all your pants in the dryer.  Well... the pants have not gotten smaller.  I have gotten bigger.   I had no idea that being unemployed  and underemployed was kicking my emotional eating into overdrive.  And then... a few days ago... I stepped on the scale.  Yikes!  Then and there I developed an action plan.

The only way for me to get a good workout in is to get up at 6 AM.  As part of the customs of my church we are supposed to get up at 6 AM and pray The Disciples Prayer (Matthew 6:9-13).  I made a commitment to myself to get up, pray, workout, get my daughter to daycare, and then get myself to my temp job.  For 40 days I will do this.  Today is Day 3. 

On Day 1, my daughter tried to sabotage my efforts.  Normally she is like an alarm clock, waking up between 7 and 7:30 every day of the week.  But that morning she tried to wake up with me at 6.  I was almost immediately discouraged, but closed my eyes and prayed anyway.  By the time I was done praying she was asleep once again.  In any event, I was noticeably more focused throughout the day and was able to put serious effort into my Public Defender application.

On Day 2, I was sore from Day 1's workout, but I pushed through anyway.  Starting my day off with prayer and a workout put me in a great mood.  I am not, nor have I ever been, a morning person. (Ask my poor husband who has had nearly 4 years of dealing with my early morning grumpiness).   But getting up at 6 isn't as hard as I thought.  And the benefits of starting my day off focused on God has put me in the right mindset for the day.  On Day 2, 3 informational interviews practically set themselves up for me.  Being open to God's will in my life and allowing my day to begin with Him increases my likelihood of having a great day.  I find that I'm using my time more efficiently, learning more about myself, and dealing better with situations as they occur.

All of this because I'm starting off my day with a little prayer and exercise.  Who knows... maybe I'll be employed by Day 40.  If it is God's will... I say let it be done!

Networking is easier than you think

Every time we encounter someone new, it is an opportunity to show them who we are, not just what we're qualified to do.  I have resolved to be a good person, someone who follows through, someone who is trustworthy and diligent.  That has nothing to do with the fact that I'm an attorney.  It has everything to do with the fact that I'm striving to be a Saint of the Most High.  If I focus on being a good person, eventually networking opportunities present themselves to me.

I hate networking.  I hate the idea of walking into a room of people I don't know and finding some way to tell them how fabulous I am just in case they might be in the position to give me a job.  That being said... I need a job and networking is really my best weapon to combat my unemployment.

While I hunt for a job, I have been working as temp.  My latest assignment landed me in the position of receptionist in a large nonprofit organization.  I planned to do the job to the best of my ability and just be an all-around pleasant person.  Out of the blue, the woman who was training me asked if I was interested in this work for my career.  I told her no, explaining that I had just become a lawyer.  By the end of the day, the entire agency knew that they had a lawyer answering their phones.  A few asked to see my resume.  I don't know what will come of those inquiries, but I do know that I learned an important lesson.  If I'm the best I can be everyday, eventually someone will take notice, and my career will no longer be in a holding pattern. 

Meanwhile, I chose to believe that I'm stuck in this unemployed holding pattern for a reason.  God, of course, doesn't make mistakes.  I have no idea why He placed me here, or what He wants me to learn.  But the least I can do is keep my eyes and my ears open, and keep my heart in the right place.  As long as I'm a willing vessel He will use me for some good.