Recently I attended a funeral of a woman I never met. (Side note: this is not an unusual occurrence for me. I often end up at funerals of people I have never known. My husband is a minister, and it comes with the territory.) She was 105 years old when she passed away. And from what I could tell she was a woman who required excellence from all the people she encountered. But what struck me most, as I listened to people reminisce and offer condolences was that everyone said the same thing about her. She made up her mind at 7 years old to become a member of the church, and she persisted in that determination for her entire life.
I personally cannot remember making a single decision at 7 years old, much less sticking with it for 23 years. At 7 years old, I wanted to be a lawyer, like Claire Huxtable. But I must have switched my dream job a million times. For a while I wanted to be an engineer, thanks to my mom and summer science camp. I also wanted to be an Egyptologist, due to a life-changing encounter with the Curator of the Egypt wing on the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I've wanted to be a teacher, a professional student, and a singer (and let me tell you... I cannot sing).
As an adult and an attorney, it is my job to make decisions. Last week, the law required me to make a decision that I knew would not be well received. And no sooner had I issued it, than I received emails questioning the decision, suggesting alternative outcomes, and wondering if the decision could be undone. Needless to say, I immediately got angry. Its one thing to question me about something that I don't know, but don't question me on something that I've worked hard to learn and understand.
That's when I learned something about myself. I commit in the face of adversity. Once challenged, I am like a dog with a bone (or my cat with a plastic bag). I don't let go. I dig my heels in. I refuse to allow my decision to be challenged or undermined. Some call it stubborn. I call it steadfast.
When my daughter was first born, I knew nothing about caring for a baby. I was nervous, scared, and second-guessed everything I did for the first weeks of her life. It wasn't until I began to get unsolicited advice (and if you've read my blog before you KNOW I how I feel about that!) that I began to be confident in my own decision-making. This is exactly what I experienced at work. Now that I've been questioned, I feel confident.
But there has got to be a better way. Ideally, I should be confident in my decision-making and committed to my decisions in spite of what other people think or say. I should have trusted that I am a good lawyer, because I work hard, study hard, and think critically.
Some people are born with the ability to be confident and committed. For me, its a journey that I am embarking on. I need to trust in the knowledge that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. There's no one like me, and for that reason alone I should hold my head high, square my shoulders, and walk tall (taller than 5'3). I know it sounds cliche, but sometimes we need to give ourselves a pep talk. I don't know it all, and I could never learn it all. There will be times when I'm wrong, when my decisions are overturned, and when my work doesn't get the respect I think it deserves. But that doesn't change who I am or the worth of my work. I commit today to trust in my God-given abilities. That's my decision and I'm sticking to it.
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